Beggar's Daughter by Jessica Harris

Author:Jessica Harris [Harris, Jessica]
Language: eng
Format: epub, azw3
Published: 2016-05-12T07:00:00+00:00

11 | ONE LAST HOPE

“All of this work, all of this partial progress and I feel like I am getting nowhere. Mrs. Garland says she is going to switch my ministry if that’s what it is going to take to get me to still my heart. She said, “I think you don’t want to still your heart because you’re afraid. You’ve got issues in your past God wants you to work through, not around.””

(October 4, 2004)

My time at Bible college was a welcome break from pornography. Our internet wasn’t simply tracked, it was filtered. Dorm rooms did not have their own computers and the computers in the library all faced the center.

There would be no falling there. Knowing that there was a zero tolerance policy for pornography was a great relief. Perhaps I could finally get this under control.

I tried to focus my time and energy on moving forward. I had accepted that pornography would likely always have a place in my life. In spite of that, I wanted to grow into a strong, confident, woman who genuinely loved the Lord and people. I wanted to make a difference in the lives of others.

That was who I wanted to be, but she felt so very far away. In fact, it felt as if, no matter how hard I tried, I was getting nowhere.

Pornography is unlike any other addiction. An alcoholic can be separated from his alcohol. A smoker can have her cigarettes taken away. A drug addict can be locked up with no access to new product. But a porn user cannot be separated from their pornography.

Pornography isn’t just stored on a computer or found in the pages of a magazine. It buries itself in the mind as memories. In some ways, your own body can serve as a source of pornography.

Even without new pornographic content, I still struggled. I had spent years of doing not much else but watching pornography. Couple that with a really good memory, and I had hours of crystal clear images and videos stockpiled in my mind.

They would pop up at the worst times- in the middle of class, in the middle of chapel, in the middle of prayer, or devotions. I could sit through an entire class period, playing my favorite pornographic videos back in my mind.

Sometimes, they started “playing” all on their own, like some devilish auto play advertisement. I would hate to close my eyes for anything because it was as if my eyelids were a pull-down screen and the video were just waiting. I figured it would take some time. I would get this under control eventually.

That first semester, the dean staff held an all-women’s meeting. I went in expecting the typical Christian women’s meeting. Proverbs 31, true beauty, modesty- standard Christian fare. Instead, the dean began to talk about this thing called strongholds. She pulled her text from 2 Corinthians 10 where it says that the weapons of God are mighty to the pulling down of strongholds.

“But what exactly is a stronghold?” She asked.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.